I know this one is super-hyped, so I will completely refrain from spoilers of any kind. Now, you have to understand what that means: I will reveal absolutely nothing specific (beyond that which is revealed in the previews), but will not refrain from mentioning things which are intuitively obvious, both for a Star Trek movie and a modern summer blockbuster. You will know nothing more than you do now about the story by review’s end, and yet some might still complain about me saying things that, truthfully, you already know.

Let’s get to it past the jump.

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Star Trek ’09 is my favorite blockbuster of the last ten years. Others have been great, more have been good, most have been average or worse, but none reach the heights that Trek ’09 blasted through on it’s quest to modernize, expand the appeal of, and pay respect to the original franchise.

This sequel, sadly, does not live up to these (admittedly nigh unreachable) standards.

I could be fine with this realization- I expected as much walking in. But you can tug at every single thread in this story and begin to unravel the entire quilt. I honestly can’t understand how the same two writers who gave us the brilliant, interesting, and taut first film could then turn around and craft a second with so many gaping, obvious holes in it’s narrative. That “holes” hyperbole is used very often, so allow me to address the matter in perfect detail.

This story has not one -not ONE- development that solidly works within the realms of logic, believability, and most importantly, consequence. It took me a night’s sleep to realize that the lack of consequence is what mucks things up beyond anything else.

You can argue that the destruction of planet Vulcan in the first film was brushed over- to a degree, it was. But I’ve always felt that considering the confines of interesting visual storytelling, the movie did a acceptable job of giving that act of genocide adequate weight while not allowing the film’s pace to be stymied. Here, however, massive incidents of a similar nature occur at a startling pace and are all totally glossed over in turn. Nothing holds any weight in this story.

Captain Kirk, after breaking the “prime directive” of not revealing the existence of star fleet on a primitive (hello, Raiders of the Lost Ark! Nice to see you again!) planet, loses command of the Enterprise, only to conveniently get it back not five minutes later. A horrific terrorist attack wipes out thousands, but is used for no more than having another explosion in the movie and getting our favorite crew through to the next scene. (This attack also, annoyingly enough, earns the film the now obligatory “shades of 9/11” stamp of Hollywood approval.) I could give more examples, but doing so would violate that nagging spoiler guarantee. I promise, be it through another blog post or a future podcast, I will go into detail over all the film’s problems.

The movie is not a total disaster- in truth, it’s an above average summer blockbuster. But in so admitting, tell me you’re not disappointed to hear that. Didn’t you hope for better than “alright”? I did, and JJ Abrams (and his writers) let me down.

Strengths of Into Darkness: it’s cast, for one. Watching Zachary Quinto get his Spock on is still a total pleasure- he easily turns in the best performance of the day. Newcomer Benedict Cumberbatch plays his mysterious villain (given the laughably no-cover name of John Harrison) with more than adequate resonance, although the script gives him such ridiculously “most interesting man in the world”-like dialogue that it sometimes becomes difficult to tell (or to repress your giggles). Chris Pine has the same problem: he plays his part quite well, it’s just a very dumb, sometimes profoundly irrational part. Captain Kirk continually makes decisions that are not only obviously wrong (with every character telling him so), but also lead to the deaths of members of his crew. You know what? Apart from Quinto, the entire cast is plagued by this problem.

Zoe Saldana and Alice Eve are both fine, but when they’re given nothing to do beyond fuss over relationship toubles and inexplicably strip naked (yeah, literally), theres not much room in which to work. Actually, I can’t just mention the problem with the female roles in passing: it’s a serious (and offensive) flaw. Never in my (Hollywood) moviegoing life have I witnessed a scene in which a voluptuous female character strips down to her bra & panties for no reason other than letting the males in the audience admire her curves. This actually happens in a $190 million blockbuster! Why is this not a bigger deal? As an actress, would you not think that Ms. Eve would stop and say “uh, JJ, why in the good name of fuck is my character removing her clothes? Is she, like, experiencing an interstellar hot flash or something?” Was there not a space closet nearby she could’ve used?

Who knows.

John Cho turns in another solid performance as Hikaru Sulu, proving yet again that he should be given larger roles (I want an Asian A-lister, if not Cho than somebody, damnit). Yet here again we’re stumped by the screenplay. At one point fairly early on in the film, Sulu is seemingly put in a position of vital importance and power- only to then be swept under the carpet and become totally irrelevant to the story. Anton Yelchin meets the same fate as Pavel Chekov: gone are his humorous “arriwing at Wulcan” lines and life saving technical prowess of the first film. All he does this outing is screw shit up. Dr. McCoy exists solely to furrow his brows and growl out cornball catchphrase-y lines. Scotty is perhaps the only crew member apart from Spock who escapes this system-wide bastardization.

The shots of the Enterprise going into warp and tooling around space are still beautiful- the film’s best sequence involves a hyperspace race of sorts. Futuristic London and San Francisco look cool, too, but apart from these elements, Mr. Abrams has also definitively gone CGI-mad. One of the best aspects of the ’09 film was how real it all felt, how grounded. This one, however, is squarely in the realm of summer spectacle moviemaking: things blow up real good, we catch our breath for five minutes, and then things blow up again. Say what you will about Michael Bay (and there’s a hell of a lot to say), but you can’t deny that the man knows how to turn gigantically-proportioned action sequences into his own brand of visual poetry. Abrams does not. His equivalent sequences are dizzyingly slapped together in the rapid-cut, CGI-bred shaky zoom fashion that has been the Hollywood norm for nearly five years now. It’s just not as fun or as pretty as watching Optimus Prime destroy half a dozen Decepticons single handedly.

The set pieces are all dumber and totally unbelievable this time out, too. Remember that amazing space jump sequence from the first film, where they fly down to disarm that huge drill? That’s revisited here as an overlong, Dead Space-like video game sequence where Kirk and partner must dodge space debris and hit a five meter-big target. Did we need to see another sequence like this? Did we have to plumb the first movie for action scenes, really? It’s as if Abrams and Co. never realized that the fact their action sequences were fresh and unique was one of the best aspects of the first movie.

The film echoes earlier Trek entries, specifically Wrath of Khan, at what is truthfully much too frequent a pace. I’m not just talking about nods- it reuses ideas, scenes, and entire sections of dialogue to a T. There were playful instances of this in the ’09 film (“Are you out of your Vulcan mind!?”), but it never went beyond the realm of respectfully bowing to the source material. Into Darkness officially enters the realm of “too much;” nigh cheap ripping off. We get it: you’re acknowledging the earlier sequel- now could you get on with your own original material please?

These echoes include some of the most famous and affecting moments in series’ history, and as those moments were wonderfully realized, this does lead to genuinely emotional instances in the new film. There’s a bit too much bromance here and there, but it still works. Alas, it’s not truly new material, and is therefor cheapened. Another frustrating aspect of Into Darkness.

I could go on- and will, at another time when spoilers are not a worry. Sufficed to say that Into Darkness is a far less intelligent, original, and thrilling experience than it’s father film.

JJ Abrams got a ton of press when he announced that he would be taking over the Star Wars franchise- two months after saying he would never want to. This had “problem” written all over it from minute one: how could one man possibly run the two biggest franchises in entertainment history and keep them both unique, fresh, and of acceptable quality? The answer, I think, is that he cannot. I know Into Darkness was in the can long before his Star Wars announcement, but when the man says he “said no very early on,” then comes out and takes the job anyway, is it not possible to imagine that he was thinking about Star Wars while making Into Darkness? By committing such a gigantic double dip, Abrams has ensured that neither property will come out as well as it might have otherwise. And honestly, JJ, did you really need to have both under your control? For christ’s sake, Ian McKellen turned down the role of Dumbledore because he had already played Gandalf, not wanting to hog all the glory. I think it’s safe to say your decision is on a slightly bigger scale.

With all this criticism, you must be thinking that I lied earlier when I called the film above average. In the realm of summer tentpoles, it is exactly that- but consider what this truly means. It’s better than Transformers, Battleship, and Green Lantern, but is that anything to truly be proud of? Given the kind of money Abrams was, I could probably have come up with something better than all those bowel movements, and I haven’t even been crowned “King of all geek pop culture” like he has.

Into Darkness is the same kind of movie as last year’s Dark Knight Rises: a beyond-hyped, over-dark, mess of a film that sinks far below it’s wonderful predecessor but still manages to outdo most of the other guck that we’ll be seeing this summer. Like the Batman film, you’ll walk out not hating the movie and yet be quite disappointed at the same time.

Perhaps the most apropos comparison for the film is last years summer juggernaut The Avengers. Much like Abrams did with Star Trek ’09, Joss Whedon managed to do the seemingly impossible by perfecting the balancing act between fan expectation, massive years-long buildup, a story with no singular star, and all the other considerations which come along with a movie of such magnitude. In both films there was a just-right mix of action and laughs, the lighthearted and the serious. If you’ve made it this far into my review, it probably won’t come as a surprise to hear me confirm that Avengers towers above Into Darkness in just about every possible way. And just for the sake of using the very latest Marvel production, Iron Man 3 is better, too.

It sure as hell isn’t as fun or interesting as Prometheus- a film which, now that Into Darkness has revealed itself, unquestionably stands as my favorite blockbuster post-Star Trek ’09. At least Prometheus had the guts to be different.

It’s a real shame that Abrams did not follow suit.

This volume, I’m going to focus on The Hunger Games. While by no means a bad movie (despite some negative opinions you may have heard on the show), the second half of the film (which is the battle itself, really) mostly fell apart.

However, the beginning of the battle is a sequence of amazing quality. Not only does it grasp and put on full display the horror of being in such a situation, but it’s artful use of bravura sound editing and absolutely perfect music bring it to a whole other level. The music is almost Argento-like in several spots. No matter how you feel about the rest of the movie, this scene is a beautiful triumph.

For those who didn’t see the movie or simply don’t remember: this clip starts with a POV shot from Katniss’ (our heroine) eyes as she rises up “the tube” into the arena. I also apologize for the quality- it’s not very good. And ideally, I’d include the scene directly before this, too, with Lenny Kravitz comforting a wonderfully terrified-looking Jennifer Lawrence. FYI: Hunger Games is on Netflix, so go there for the perfect experience.

Here it is:

Everybody has guilty pleasure movies: films you know aren’t actually all that great, are plagued with various issues, or maybe even just flat out embarrassing to admit that you enjoy. Whatever the reason, movies like these get unjustly ignored and pushed out of focus. This series will highlight those films, and hopefully even get you to give them a chance yourself- either for the first time, or again if you didn’t like them.

So, to start us off, I thought I’d go with Tron: Legacy, a movie that many people saw but few actually enjoyed. Read my thoughts past the jump.

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The original Tron has a cut following of extremely formidable size, and rightly so: although unbalanced in just about every way, it is a (very) early exploration of what could be done with computer effects and other brand new filmmaking techniques (at the time). Understandably then, there was quite a bit of hype surrounding Tron: Legacy, Disney’s 28-year-later sequel.

One of the immediate things that makes me like Legacy is that it is actually a new movie. It would have been very easy for Disney to dog the concept and just crank out a remake- and, to be honest, the case for a remake in this instance is far stronger than most cases. The original was 28 years old when Legacy came out, which means that the all-important 12-24 demographic would be virtually unaware of it’s existence, and we’re talking about a movie that not many people saw to begin with; we’re not dealing with Star Wars here.

But no, instead Disney made a surprisingly refreshing choice to gamble on an almost 30 year old property by throwing $170 million at a continuation of the original story. This is almost unheard of in modern Hollywood- in this day and age, they always go for the safest, most apparently profitable option. So for this fact alone I give Legacy a ton of credit.

When it comes to the film itself, you’ll never hear me say I think it’s perfect. Or even close, really: although the first hour is well-paced and entertaining, the last 45 minutes definitely fall off into a slow, clichéd slump. The dialogue could use some work, and the climax is a dumb, undercooked letdown. But other than that, the film has some real strong suits.

Visually, Legacy is stunning. The grid looks fantastic, and is a clear evolution of the original Tron’s aesthetic. The light bike sequences are wonderful: unlike most other blockbusters these days, it works in the movies favor that it all looks like a video game. The crashes are particularly beautiful, with both bike and rider disintegrating into neon-colored digitized dust upon impact, made all the more stunning in detailed slow motion. Light is everywhere, built right into the architecture, objects, and clothing that populate the land. There’s even a wonderful Disney callback built in: during the opening moments of the film out in the real world, everything is shot normally, but when Sam (our hero) transports himself into the computerized grid world, Legacy gives us a Wizard of Oz-like transformation into 3D- a very nice touch.

The story is clever as well. We’re informed that in 1989 Kevin Flynn, hero of the original Tron and CEO of ENCOM (a gigantic software corporation), disappears without a trace. Jump to the present, and Kevin’s son Sam, now ENCOM’s primary shareholder, has become a disillusioned, aimless young Cal-Tech dropout. On a tip, he goes to his father’s old arcade, where he then manages to enter the grid. Once there, he’s confronted by Clu, a “copy” of his father (made by his father), who’s turned evil and taken over the grid. Clu wants Kevin Flynn dead so he can get out into the real world a wreak havok, but luckily Sam gets some last-second help from Quorra, a friend of his (real) father’s. It may sound confusing on paper, but it’s handled well, is easily understood, and actually interesting, too- a definite surprise.

The acting is strong across the board, especially from Jeff Bridges (reprising the role of Kevin from the original) and Olivia Wilde (Quorra). Garret Hedlund plays Sam, and although it’s not a great performance, it’s more than acceptable for the material. Wilde plays Quorra as a wide-eyed innocent who can also kick some major ass. She was born in the grid, the last of a special digital race known as the ISOs, whom Clu totally wiped out, and as such is completely enraptured by anything concerning the real world. When Sam replies that he “knows” Jules Verne, her favorite author, she earnestly asks “What’s he like?!”

Refreshingly, she doesn’t become the love interest, either. There’s definite attraction between Quorra and Sam, but it never moves beyond that, which lets the film avoid the always-laughable “let’s make out and/or have sex after knowing each other for 12 hours” syndrome which plagues all other blockbusters. Yet another nice touch.

Bridges, on the other hand, plays Flynn as almost a space-age version of The Dude, which winds up both working well dramatically and being surprisingly humorous. After Sam’s continuous brash behavior, Flynn remarks (loud at first, then resigned): “Sam! …..You’re messing with my zen thing, man.” Later, while reconstructing Quorra’s digital DNA and removing a damaged piece, he smiles as he says “man, check that ouuut!”

What else is there to like?

Easily one of the best of the past decade, Daft Punk’s soundtrack is the highlight of the film. The famous techno duo lend the entire movie a sharp, electric edge that just sets everything off and matches the visuals perfectly. From the moment you see Disney’s famous castle logo (decked out in neon, of course) and hear the opening chords, you’ll be entranced- and probably convinced to download yourself the whole album, too.

Alas, there’s that whole final 45 minute thing. Just when you finally settle in and accept that, yes, this actually is a good movie, the rug gets pulled out from under you, and you’re hit with a slow and uninteresting finale. There is an obvious showdown between Clu and Flynn brewing throughout the entirety of the movie, and when it finally comes you’re left saying “that’s it?”

The true culprit in the ending’s high suck rating, however, is one character’s complete change of mindset and motives, which comes out of nowhere. It elicited laughs from myself and all my friends, as well as the rest of the theater. Worst of all, the only reason it happens is to get the protagonists out of a situation where escaping with their lives is impossible. The lesson here is this, screenwriters: don’t write yourselves into holes.

Even with these problems, Tron: Legacy is still a lot of fun. It looks great, is well acted by a great cast, has a kick-ass soundtrack, and represents a major studio taking a big risk for the sake of original storytelling and not only profit. And it worked, too: Legacy made just over $400 million worldwide. It’d be great if this opened up the door for more movies like it, but I think enough time has passed since it’s December 2010 release to say that this is not the case.

The ending leaves a sour taste in your mouth the first time around, but give it another chance I promise you’ll see what I’m saying here. Tron: Legacy, guilty pleasure.

It’s very comprehensive, wait until you see. This is the only thing you’ll need to read if you’re interested in getting a peak at what’s to come. Every big release is listed, and a few smaller, interesting ones, too.

Let’s get to it, then.

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To keep things simple, I’ll list them in order of release date. And since this is still my list, after all (and on my site), I’ll still give you my opinion through the space-age technology of the “CisedMeter.”

After the first dozen or so, the summaries get much shorter, I promise. In case you’re “one of those.”

Here comes the heat:

1) Iron Man 3 – May 3          CisedMeter: High

Like ‘Avengers’ last summer, this is a movie which doesn’t actually need an advertising campaign (not that this fact will stop Marvel and Disney from spending a veritable fuck-ton on one). It continues the story of Tony Stark, billionaire-turned-superhero, this time battling a terrorist known as The Mandarin (Ben Kingsley- awesome). Everyone from the second film is returning- Downey Jr., Paltrow, and Cheadle, but noticeable is director Jon Favreau’s absence, opting only to act as producer this outing. There’s no telling if this will have a noticeable effect on the movie, but one thing is for sure: as with damn near every superhero movie since ‘Dark Knight,’ ‘Iron Man 3′ definitely seems to be going for a darker, more serious feel this time. The Mandarin seems to be very similar to Joker- I only hope not too so. Still, I’m expecting good things.

2) The Great Gatsby – May 10          CisedMeter: High

I’ve been expecting a big-budget adaptation of this literary classic for years now, and it’s finally here. And not to toot my own horn, but I always imagined Leo DiCaprio in the title role, too (God, I am silly. I should be a producer). Directed by Baz Luhrmann (responsible for the equally flamboyant ‘Romeo + Juliet’ and ‘Moulin Rouge!’) and featuring an all-star cast including DiCaprio (Gatsby), Tobey Maguire (Nick Carraway), and Carey Mulligan (Daisy), this modern interpretation looks to have all the hallmarks of a faithful reproduction set in the roaring twenties (with the dial turned all the way up).

3) Star Trek Into Darkness – May 17          CisedMeter: Extreme

Ask me what my favorite blockbuster of the past five years is, and you’ll get one instant answer: ‘Star Trek.’ JJ Abrams did the impossible and crafted a gripping, totally enjoyable film that works for both Trekkies and the uninitiated. I loved that movie, and I have every expectation of loving this sequel. All the stars have returned, this time forced to confront a mysterious villain (Khan? No? Yes? Please tell us?) played by Benedict Cumberbatch (who, by the way, is exploding: look for him playing WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange in November’s The Fifth Estate…..and voicing Smaug the dragon in Hobbit Pt. 2…..yeah). All the pieces seem to be in place, and I couldn’t be more excited. America seems to be the same way, incidentally.

4) The Hangover Part III – May 24          CisedMeter: Low

Honestly, after the horrible second installment which wasn’t as much a sequel as it was a remake, my hopes aren’t very high at all for this third chapter. Bradley Cooper (mmm, dreamy), Ed Helms, and Zack Galifianakis are all back, as are Heather Graham and Mike Epps as the lovable stripper and drug dealer from the first movie, respectively, who both missed out on the second. Director (of all three) Todd Phillips and the cast have been very tight-lipped concerning the plot, so I can’t tell you if it will be fresh territory or a complete retread again, but I can reveal what they already have: that the story will be returning to Las Vegas, and is being billed as “the end, definitively.” Who knows, maybe things will be better this time? Either way, I’ll still see it.

5) Fast & Furious 6 – May 24          CisedMeter: Medium (embarrassingly so)

Damnit…. I kind of liked ‘Fast Five.’ It was stupid, yes, but fun nonetheless. This sequel has all the actors from the previous installment(s) returning, as well as the previously killed-off Michele Rodriguez. I’ll admit, raising characters from the dead is never a good sign, but this is ‘Fast & Furious,’ here. New to the series, MMA fighter Gina Carano is joining the cast, undoubtedly to portray a character of deep, emotionally charged importance. This movie won’t be for everyone (just as much as it will be for others), but I’ll be there, if not on opening night than some inexpensive matinee. I mean, just look at this image- this is serious stuff.

6) After Earth – May 31          CisedMeter: Low

This will forever be remembered as the “Will Smith and son” movie. Yes, this time Will is bringing along young Jaden, and although they’ve already done this in 2006′s ‘Pursuit of Happyness,’ this is an entirely different breed of movie: not a quiet, human drama, but a huge summer blockbuster. The father and son team have to fend off animals and God knows what else on a hostile, apocalyptic future-Earth, and that’s, I guess, kinda all there is to it. Alas, M. Night Shyamalan is directing it, which does not bode well for the film considering that calling Night’s recent string of films failures would be far too kind. Therefor, it will be up to Will and Jaden to do all of the work- a task they very well may be up for. I’ve always liked Smith, and his son seems to be a chip off the old block. We’ll see what happens when Smiths combine in a $130 million tentpole (well, $110 million after Will’s $20 million cut- plus 20% of the backend. God damn he has it sweet).

7) Now You See Me – May 31          CisedMeter: High

Undoubtedly one of the summer’s least-known commodities, ‘Now You See Me’ looks very interesting, and could definitely turn into a sleeper hit. Starring Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Isla Fisher, and Dave Franco (James’ young brother) as “The Four Horsemen,” a group of magicians who rob banks and corrupt businessmen during their shows then share the profits with their audiences, the film is certainly not short on concept. The brazen heists attract the attention of an FBI agent (Mark Ruffalo) and an Interpol detective (Mélanie Laurent- SO happy she’s getting more English roles!), who turn to a famous magic debunker (Morgan Freeman) for help. Also co-starring Michael Caine and Common, this really looks  like a lot of fun.

8) The Internship – June 7          CisedMeter: Medium-Low

Apparently 20th Century Fox has never heard of striking while the iron’s hot. Starring Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson, ‘The Internship’ is about two salesmen who’s professions have been rocked by the advent of the internet, and somehow talk their way into a internship at Google to prove that they’re not irrelevant. Yes, you’re right: this movie would have made far more sense had it been released in ’06 or ’07- not only due to that being when this duo was at their commercial and creative peak (following 2005′s surprise smash ‘Wedding Crashers’), but also because the plot wouldn’t have been so laughably archaic. I mean, two salesmen being surprised and upset over the internet’s influence with their jobs –in 2013?! Unless you’re just waking up from a 15-year coma, I’m guessing that the internet’s overwhelming presence isn’t too big of a newsflash. I guess we’ll see.

9) This Is The End – June 12          CisedMeter: High

This is unquestionably the premier comedy of this summer. Imagine every actor who’s been in a Judd Apatow movie in the last decade combining for one big disaster film in which they play themselves, and you’re close to what you’ll get with ‘This is the End.’ Directed by Evan Goldberg and Seth Rogen (who also stars, of course), the writing team behind ‘Superbad,’ this movie is being unofficially billed as a final kiss-off to the era of the “traditional Apatow comedy.” Don’t get the wrong idea- you’ll still be seeing comedies featuring actors from Judd’s illustrious group, but everyone involved in their production (directors, producers, writers, and the actors themselves) is tired of the same format, and wants to experiment with different things- and honestly, it’s the best thing for us as audiences, too. ‘This is the End’ will be a wonderful closer.

10) Man of Steel – June 14          CisedMeter: Extreme

I’ll keep this summary short. It’s the first Superman movie since 2006′s (unfairly hated) ‘Superman Returns,’ and looks to be the one that will finally get the formula right. I may enjoy the previous one while few others do, but I do understand some of the issues with it, namely Supes not having a villain with which to battle against. This movie has solved that problem by including General Zod (Michael Shannon- awesome), which should make for a fantastic superhuman showdown. It also helps that Amy Adams (a personal favorite of mine) is playing Lois Lane. I’m bursting to see this one. In case you aren’t: here.

11) The Bling Ring – June 14          CisedMeter: Medium

Sophia Coppola’s movie about the real-life group of fame-obsessed teenagers who went on a celebrity-robbing spree in the fall of 2008. It has received largely mixed reviews from the festival crowd, which is how I feel about it as well. Emma Watson stars as one of the robbers, so that’s a definite plus- hopefully she’ll be naked at some point (highly unlikely). Maybe it’ll surprise us and be interesting and cool, or perhaps it’ll turn out like the similarly-themed ‘Spring Breakers,’ which I did not enjoy. I’ll probably be game enough to find out for myself.

12) World War Z – June 21          CisedMeter: Medium

The thing keeping this Brad Pitt-led zombie vehicle from being higher on my list isn’t actually anything to do with the movie itself- it’s the ultra-extreme overload of zombies in all forms of media going on right now. Movies, TV, video games, it doesn’t matter where you look, they’re everywhere. Thus, I’m less enthused for ‘Z’ than I might be otherwise, but even still, this Marc Forster-helmed zombie apocalypse blockbuster should prove entertaining. Paramount forced Foster into a PG-13 rating (gotta get those kiddies into the seats, now don’t we?), and this will undoubtedly hamper the zombie theme, but the preview has me somewhat interested nonetheless. Marc Forster’s last film was a shitpile (‘Quantum of Solace,’ aka the 007 movie you didn’t like), but maybe Pitt can save the day on his own.

13) Monsters University – June 21          CisedMeter: Low

Firmly in the command of Disney, Pixar’s latest animated offering looks to be less like ‘Wall-E,’ ‘Up,’ and the ‘Toy Story’ series, and more like ‘Cars 2′ and ‘Brave.’ Which is to say: not good. Pixar is at it’s best when unfettered by studio desires and directions and allowed to pursue their own ideas and ambitions. They’re not meant to pump out needless sequels and entirely commercially-driven ventures like what I believe ‘Monsters University’ will turn out to be. Perhaps I’m wrong, only time will tell. I know it will be visually phenomenal, and I’m sure families and Pixar devotees nationwide will flock to theaters to enjoy this latest offering, but that won’t help direct my gaze away from the dozen other gigantic summer releases.

14) White House Down – June 28          CisedMeter: Low

Remember that action flick a month back, ‘Olympus Has Fallen,’ about the hostile takeover of Washington, DC and the White House by nasty terrorists? Well, this movie is exactly the same- both of the titles even sound alike, as if the screenwriter highlighted ‘Olympus Has Fallen’ and hit “Thesaurus” so he wouldn’t get caught cheating. Terrorists come and take over the White House, people die, the hero saves the day. I include this just so you’ll wikipedia it and laugh at all the similarities. That’s what it is: laughable.

15) The Lone Ranger – July 3          CisedMeter: Low

Johnny Depp’s big movie of the year. I really do think the guy gets off on wearing odd, sexually-ambiguous costumes, because here’s yet another example. This movie looks really dumb, and even less interesting. Depp fans will no doubt disagree, but I’ll be giving this one a very wide berth.

16) Despicable Me 2 – July 3          CisedMeter: Low

If you know me, then you know how I really don’t care for animated films. This movie is a prime reason why: they’re mostly stupid, commercially-driven enterprises that don’t entertain anyone above 12. But that’s just me. Maybe you and/or the country will disagree.

17) Pacific Rim – July 12          CisedMeter: Medium

Although this could turn out to be a fantastically fun, stupid child’s dream brought to explosive, high-budget life, it may also wind up being dull, dumb (in a bad way), and forgettable. What I’m trying to say here is that I have literally no idea which way this will fall. Guillermo del Toro dropped out of directing ‘The Hobbit’ to make this instead, and now that we all know how that project turned out, I hope ‘Pacific Rim’ is worthwhile.

18) Grown Ups 2 – July 12          CisedMeter: Ultra-Extreme, Laughably Low

Adam Sandler, Chris Rock (why, Chris?), and Kevin James return as….whatever they were in the first film. I never saw it, but heard enough about it (and saw enough trailers) to know that it was historically awful, and there’s no reason to expect a different outcome this go around. Hey, Sandler: Stop. Making. Movies. Please.

19) The Conjuring – July 19          CisedMeter: Medium

The next horror movie from James Wan (‘Saw,’ ‘Insidious’), again about a haunted house, again starring Patrick Wilson, I am somehow still interested in seeing this. Probably because I have and always will be a horror junkie. And for like-minded moviegoers, this will no doubt fit the bill.

20) The Wolverine – July 26          CisedMeter: Low

I’m tired of Wolverine… Didn’t anyone else see the last Wolverine-specific movie? It was terrible! Put Wolverine away, at least until the next X-Men movie. I guess there are many other moviegoers who aren’t tired of him, though, and thus, we have this. Any and all chance of me seeing this died when Darren Aronofsky left the directorial duties for Fox to figure out. A sad change- with him in charge, this could’ve been something really interesting.

21) 2 Guns – August 2          CisedMeter: Medium

Any and all attraction this movie has is entirely derived from it’s stars: Denzel Washington and Mark Wahlberg, who play two detectives who are forced to go on the run after an undercover case goes wrong. I love anything with Denzel- he’s just such a great actor. With so many big movies coming out this summer, though (we are on #21, after all), I fear this might slip through the cracks. Time will tell.

22) 300: Rise of an Empire – August 2          CisedMeter: Low

I hated, hated, hated the first ’300,’ and I have zero expectation for this to be any better. I’ve no doubt that, like it’s predecessor, it will be filled with boringly unrealistic, over-stylized violence which carries zero impact. And it hurts to say this, too, because not only is Lena Heady involved (Cersei on HBO’s Game of Thrones), but my ultimate dream movie star Eva Green is, too! Damnit, Eva, why can’t you be in better movies? Ah well, I’ll still love you either way.

23) Elysium – August 9          CisedMeter: Medium-High

Director Neill Blomkamp’s first film since his sweeping debut, ‘District 9,’ this film shares many themes with his first. It’s a sic-fi movie that explores difference socio-political motifs, like immigration and class issues. Only this time, he has $120 million, Matt Damon, and Jodie Foster to throw around, so it’ll be very intriguing to see what sticks.

24) Planes – August 9          CisedMeter: Low

Disney’s (but notably not Pixar’s) semi-sequel to ‘Cars,’ only this time…..in the air. Although many discount the ‘Cars’ movies as Pixar’s only true follies, they’re also the most profitable films they’ve made, too- and that should explain Disney’s interest. If you listen to the show, then you know that even DJE, who actively loves everything that Pixar does, hated ‘Cars’ and it’s sequel, and given that this one is an all-Disney affair, I think it’s safe to say that it will crash and burn. See what I did there?!

25) Kick-Ass 2 – August 16          CisedMeter: High

The first ‘Kick-Ass’ was great fun, and the sequel looks to be more of the same. All the cast members from the original are back (well, the ones who survived), and Jim Carey joins the mix, too, as the villain Colonel Stars and Stripes (great name). Expect lots of blood, language, and laughs.

26) The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones – August 23          CisedMeter: Low

We may not have ‘Twilight’ to bother us at the box office any longer, but that doesn’t mean there will be any shortage of fantasy teenage romance novel adaptations- case in point, this, the first in the Mortal Instruments series. What said series is about, I dare not look into, but I’m sure it has millions of screaming young fans who are counting down the hours until ‘City of Bones’ is released.

27) One Direction: This Is Us – August 30          CisedMeter: Non-existent

Think of this as the One Direction fan’s answer to the Justin Bieber music-documentary of a couple years back. Yeah, I’m not interested either. There is one peculiar aspect to this film, however: the director. Morgan Spurlock is perhaps the most well-known documentarian working today, with both ‘Super Size Me’ and ‘The Greatest Movie Ever Sold’ being certified hits. I don’t know what he’s doing attached to this fan-service snoozer, but there it is.

And that’s it, as far as massive releases are concerned. 27 movies, whew. Thank God I won’t have to sit through all of them, and thank God I will get to for some of them. That’s how summers at the movies usually go, I suppose.

See you in the Fall, when we’re all begging for something with a little fewer explosions.

PS: after all I say is read, I’d still like to see this again. I’ll go somehow no matter what, I think, but let me know if you’d like to join. It stays with you.

 Ξ

I love movies that have a certain quality, a structure which I call “unplugged.” You see, unplugged movies can go in whichever direction they want; they’re not hampered by the same rules other movies are, like, say, damn near every wide release film of the past decade. These “plugged” movies aren’t doomed to be uninteresting, but they also won’t deviate too far from your expectations- they stay within the Hollywood norm. An unplugged movie doesn’t have to follow in those same footprints: it paves it’s own way.

‘The Place Beyond the Pines’ is one of the finest examples of this style I can think of, especially in the modern cinematic era. It’s a film of ‘Pulp Fictions’ ilk (possibly the greatest unplugged film of all). Things happen only the way the the creator, in this case director Derek Cianfrance, wants them to. It makes for a wondrously unique and surprising film watching experience. Characters come and go, perspectives change, and as a result, everything feels, well, more real.

Alas, in ‘the Pines’ case, this freedom to explore any and all alleys that Cianfrance wants to go down, which indeed gives the film it’s power and intrigue, is also it’s undoing. Although it is an original work (thought up by director and star Gosling, incidentally), the film feels like a undercooked literary adaptation.

‘Pines’ is essentially a triptych: first we focus on motorcycle daredevil Handsome Luke (Ryan Gosling), then young do-gooder cop Avery (Bradley Cooper), and last both Luke and Avery’s children (Dane DeHaan and Emory Cohen, repectively). It’s important to understand how incredibly well acted the entire film is: Ryan Gosling, again playing the quiet loner with a dark side (a la ‘Drive’) sears the screen once again; I’ve long since recognized him as one of the finest actors working today. Bradley Cooper gives the performance of his career- don’t be surprised to see him in more serious roles now. Eva Mendes and Rose Byrne both play the damaged women at the other end of Luke and Avery’s relationships (although this is without question a film about men). Ben Mendelsohn is heart-tugging, even though only playing a minor character. Most of all, Dane DeHaan continues to shine, revealing once and for all what a rising star he truly is.

It’s only Emory Cohen as Avery’s entitled son who disappoints. Actually, that’s putting it lightly: he’s really bad. It’s one of those performances where you can’t tell if you’re annoyed with the character or the actor (ultimately, I think it’s Cohen), and stands in stark contrast to the remainder of the portrayals.

The performances (with said exception) are amazing throughout. If only the film itself followed suit.

Of these three acts, the first is easily the best-crafted and most gripping. It’s a gritty crime story propelled by incredibly vibrant and colorful cinematography. It is from this chapter that you’ve seen all of the trailer footage, and that’s for a reason. Here we get to see breathless bank robberies shot with incredible put-you-there effect. It’s pulse-pounding stuff, and for awhile you think you’re in the midst of a classic.

The next chapter shifts focus to Avery the 6-month-on rookie, which, while it lacks the punch found in Gosling’s section, is still gripping material. As I mentioned already, Cooper shines throughout the entirety of his scenes, displaying for all the world how diverse his talents actually are. It’s fascinating to watch him begin to understand that although he wants to do good, he was born to do bad.

Then, damnit, we come to the third act, a bumbling, pointless, unfocused mess which basically ruins the film singlehandedly. I won’t go into specifics to avoid spoiling anything, but just understand that by the time this chapter rolls around, you will not only be positive about what the film is trying to say, but you’ll be better suited to absorb the story’s resonating effect. Cianfrance, however, plays out everything in the flesh, which not only lessens the themes’ impact, but relocates the film from the rarefied air of complete believability into the realm of movie cliche.

This last sin is perhaps worst of all; in the modern Hollywood climate, it’s so rare when you see a film of this kind. Completely plausible while still raw and powerful. Few works (in any medium) can make these claims (‘The Wire,’ anyone?), which makes it simply tragic that the conclusion cuts this feeling to ribbons. It also doesn’t help that this section puts the film into watch-glancing, ass-hurting territory.

If I could somehow re-cut this movie to only contain the first two acts, I’d cry tears of joy. I find myself having this feeling more and more these days, from ‘Flight’ to ‘Django Unchained.’ I guess if we’re in the realm of film restructuring, I’d also ask for a dash of levity to be added as well, but the over-seriousness bothers me far less than the movie’s other issues.

‘The Place Beyond the Pines’ is phenomenally acted, gorgeously filmed, and has a wondrous sound track, adding even more impact to an already impactful experience. Like ‘Drive’ before it, ‘Pines’ occupies a rare spot on the cinematic landscape: a film that exists within an accessible genre while at the same time being unquestionably rooted in the art house, and hence far more unique than it’s contemporaries.

…..except ‘Drive’ ends on a high note. ‘Pines’ doesn’t, and is thus relegated to the level of forgettable.

Now, let’s just get to work on this magical movie editing machine. Then we’ll revisit this and so many other beautiful but acne-ridden productions.

The show still lives on, fear not. We got together and punched out an extended, 3-hour show for anyone who’s cool enough to listen.

The newsroom came first, where GPC detailed BB10 and CES 2013, among other things. Then we discussed some of the better stories from the celebrity world in the past few months, including Adele slamming Chris Brown in front of thousands of their peers. Next, we reviewed both Dead Space 3 and Resident Evil 6, the latter of which is easily one of the worst games of all time. Our last segment is a bit of a grab bag, but centers loosely around updating everyone as to what’s been going on with the show lately.

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Playlist:

1. Ces Cru (Ft. Tech N9ne): Juice
2. Future (Ft. Drake): Fo Real
3. Kid Ink (Ft. Meek Mill & Wale): Badass
4. K. Roosevelt (Ft. Hit-Boy): Do Me Now
5. A$AP Rocky (Ft. Santigold): Hell
6. Rakim: Bring It On
7. A$AP Rocky (Ft. Florence Welch): I Come Apart
8. Ludacris (Ft. Pusha T, Future, & Swizz Beatz): What The Mad For
9. Scaff Beezy: High Beams
10. Lil Wayne: La La La

It went a bit longer than I figured it would, but not by far.

Ξ

Harmony Korine’s new movie can best be summarized with, frankly, no expressive phrase that I can muster. It’s an exercise in frustration (and grotesquery) like no other since Gaspar Noe’s 2009 clusterfuck ‘Enter the Void.’

Like the French film, ‘Breakers’ features explicit sex, drugs, nudity, and violence which are supposedly meant to express some existential high concept, but truthfully never rise above their own most basic, vile essences. Which is a shame, really, because Korine has crafted a perfect object of its cultural moment, an age of sexualized youth and stylized violence; he simply forgot to make a decent film surrounding it.

The four main “characters” (designating them as such is a gigantic stretch) are Cotty (Rachel Korine, the director’s wife), Candy (Vanessa Hudgens, clearly shedding her Disney beginnings along with Gomez), Faith (Gomez), and Brit (Ashley Benson). Giving you anything beyond their names would be both worthless and impossible: they are all vapid, mentally unbalanced whores whose greatest desire in life is to “get away from our boring college existence and discover who we really are”….by getting shitfaced in bathing suits. It may occur to you that college is about as far away from boring as is possible to be. Yeah, that never really made sense with me, either.

Now before you go and call me a dullard who can’t see the forest for the trees, yes: I understand that their characters being who and how they are is intentional. They are meant, as far as I can tell, to represent the hedonistic heights to which spring break week has now come to be known for. Add to that a lack of compassion or even recognition of anything existing outside of their own small, horrible world, and finish off with the added effect of them being well-known, sexually marketed Hollywood youngsters, and you have the basis for what Korine is “trying to tell you.” (Well, at least two of them are well-known…. Benson and Korine, not so much. Huh, guess that doesn’t work as well as you wanted it to, does it jackass?)

As I said, handled intelligently, these characters could have been melded into a perfect criticism of the zeitgeist. Instead, Korine (the director Korine, not the actress- confusing, huh?) dogs it completely, and fills his film with as much pointless blather, bare nubile flesh, and totally ineffective violence as he can summon. What could have been a (albeit blood-splattered and coke-stained) modern ‘Easy Rider,’ instead gets under-baked to barely more than a third-rate ‘Natural Born Killers,’ (a film which itself has never been worthy in my opinion).

Whats truly wrong with the film, however, is that it has no idea what it wants to be. In the span of five minutes, ‘Breakers’ can go from comedic to horrific to dramatic and back to comedic again. Now this structure is not intrinsically a problem. Again, if done well, this can make for an interesting, off-catching movie watching experience. But here, the horrific parts are so horrific and the dramatic so stultifying, that whenever something comes along that would normally produce laughs, the audience is not in the proper mindset to soften up and chuckle. Intensifying this problem is the fact that the changes in mood come so fast and in totally interchangeable order; the film plays like a shotgun blast to the face.

Perhaps that’s what Korine was intending, you ask? To that I say bullshit. I again recall ‘Enter the Void,’ which shares the same issue: just because a director wants their film to be unpleasant does not make it any less painful to suffer through.

I have yet to bring up the film’s most well-known claim to fame: James Franco as the drugged- and cornrowed-out rapper/drug dealer Alien. His performance is strong to be sure, but he suffers the same fate as the rest of the movie: although nearly all his scenes are totally comedic in tone, many of his best moments are wasted as they fall in the midst of the near-constant stream of depressing, disturbing, and degrading acts. Regardless, in a movie filled with uninteresting characters, Alien is the only one worth watching. Franco lends him an irresistibly goofy persona, and even though the film tries it’s hardest, it can’t suppress the insane humor he simply radiates.

He’s also part of what is destined to become a king in the annals of cinematic camp, a scene in which he and his three favorite girls sojourn to his white piano next to his pool and sing the rapper/drug dealer’s favorite Britney Spears song (which, incidentally, is ‘Everytime’). No matter what you think of the rest of the film, this sequence is so incredible in every way that for just a few minutes, you forget that you’re watching something that makes no sense and is in no way redeeming. I loved it, and I wish it had gone on even longer.

Outside of that, though, ‘Spring Breakers’ is plagued by more problems still. Although it looks great the whole way through (more on that in just a bit), the script is so incredibly weak that, without exaggeration, 75% of the film’s 93-minute runtime is comprised of repetition and aimless partying sequences set to boring dub-step tracks. Trying to reinforce the themes of unaccountability and looking-glass realities, Korine endlessly loops both lines of dialogue and entire scenes. Near the film’s conclusion, he displays fetishistic fascination with one particular moment that finds Franco, Benson, and Hudgens engaging in a in-pool threesome (giving us plenty of leering underwater shots of the girls) while the characters comprehend an attack on a rival drug dealer (played, with no apparent flash of skill, by Gucci Mane). In this one sequence alone, Korine replays a particular line of dialogue (“Are you scared? Are you gonna be Mr. Scardy Pants?”) what must be at least six times. Now, mind you: we don’t just get to hear it six times, we see it six times. Again, and again, and again. This is but one example of repetition from a pool of hundreds that ‘Breakers’ offers up like a scantily-clad, mind-numbingly boring midnight buffet.

The redundancy is no doubt meant as a deliberate strategy of depersonalization, but combined with the ham handedness with which it’s handled and the fact that his characters are already razor-thin, Korine depersonalized me to such a degree that all I could think about was the hands on my watch.

Now, to Korine’s credit, he does create a mesmerizingly beautiful film to behold. There are countless instances of wonderfully crafted imagery, whether it’s a slow motion shot against a sunset of the girls twirling around in a circle while toying with guns, or three dark figures walking down a luridly-lit neon pink boat dock. Korine has an undeniable eye for photographic panache, on display even during the perfunctory expositional dialogue sequences, where he concentrates on different parts of the face in extreme close-up while also playing around with the focus. Without a doubt, the most wonderful segment of the movie is a restaurant robbery (pulled to finance the girls’ trip to Florida) which is filmed as one slow, continuous shot from the view of the getaway driver. We see the other two girls jump out, then watch them make their way through the building from outside, looking in through the windows as they rob the diner’s patrons. It’s a truly great sequence, the best in a film full of memorable photography.

The movie often looks to be some harrowing, coke-fueled fever dream, with colors, shapes, and shadows forming together into a delirious and poison-spiked visual cocktail. It’s all very impressive, and it belies the film framing it.

For the third and final time, allow me to bring up ‘Enter the Void.’ That and ‘Spring Breakers’ are remarkably similar movies. Both are visually stunning, high concept, provocative works which despite their directors’ intentions, don’t amount to any more than a pyrotechnic display. Are they bad films? No matter what the “try to be cool” part of you thinks, yes. Yes, they are bad.

The thing that misguided auteurs like Korine don’t understand is that conceptual filmmaking can turn around and bite you in the ass if taken to too far an extreme. When bludgeoned over the head with a concept, a movie can turn into nothing more than mental masturbation. Having a message in your film is a good thing, but making that message the entire film is a mistake, one which can cost a director his film.

It’s frustrating to look at the impenetrable wall of art house filmmaking that directors such as Korine have constructed around themselves. If, for instance, someone like Michael Bay ever crafted a film like ‘Spring Breakers,’ it would be assaulted like perhaps no film before it. But Korine makes it, and because he’s made ‘Gummo’ and ‘Julien Donkey-Boy’ before it, it’s viewed as art.

But truthfully, I’m no doubt falling into Korine’s trap by expecting ‘Spring Breakers’ to say, mean, or be anything other than what it is. The film’s whole purpose is to linger for as long as possible on the surface: not only of our misogynistic, inattentive pop culture, but also on the surface of female bodies offered up freely for our (and Korine’s) gratification. Is it his intent to confront viewers with their own voyeuristic sensibilities? Or simply to provide the creepy guy in the back row with enough T&A to get him off?

You know what? Neither answer will be satisfying enough for me.

This week, DJE and GPC are joined by Jake and Andy as we recap our New Years Eve celebrations. In addition, we’re also proud to bring back the OG version of the Newsroom, condensed down into one segment. After that, DJE and GPC review (spoiler-free) Quentin Tarantino’s new movie ‘Django Unchained,’ followed by GPC’s top ten films of 2012 (condensed down into just a couple minutes- read the real thing here). Lastly, we discuss our various resolutions for the new year.

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Playlist:

1. The Party Anthem (Timbaland Ft. Lil Wayne, Missy Elliot, & T-Pain)
2. Jesus Piece (Game Ft. Kanye West & Common)
3. All the Time (Mac Miller Ft. Ab-Soul)
4. Gangster Bitch (Mike Will Made It Ft. Young Jeezy)
5. 1 Train (A$AP Rocky Ft. Kendrick Lamar, Joey Bada$$, Yelawolf, Danny Brown, Action Bronson, & Big K.R.I.T.)
6. Major Distribution (50 Cent Ft. Snoop Dogg & Young Jeezy)
7. Doodling in the Key of C Sharp (Mac Miller)
8. Wiseman (Frank Ocean)
9. Cookies & Pounds (Wiz Khalifa Ft. Chevy Woods & Berner)
10. 2012 (J. Cole)

In our yearly Christmas special, DJE and GPC both imbibe Bailey’s and other holiday treats heavily as we review what happened at GPC’s annual holiday open house. As has happened every year, hilarity ensued. We also sneak in a review of ‘The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey,’ which we had the (dis)pleasure of seeing in HFR (aka 48fps). Catch all this and more as we play Christmas music throughout- don’t sleep.

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Playlist:

1. Last Christmas (Wham!)
2. White Christmas (Bing Crosby)
3. Santa Baby (Smooth Jazz All Stars)
4. Wonderful Christmastime (Paul McCartney)
5. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen (Barenaked Ladies & Sarah McLachlan)
6. Happy Xmas (War Is Over) [John Lennon]
7. Christmas Memories (Frank Sinatra)
8. Christmas Tears (Freddy King)
9. Merry Christmas Baby (Ray Charles)
10. The Christmas Song (Nat King Cole)

This time, we broadcast live from Hershey, PA, on December 14th. We go over new developments in the world, talk about how awesome Hershey is and what we’ve been doing there, and listen to The Peddlers’ amazing oldie “On a Clear Day.” Shocker, GPC had to be the one to introduce everyone to this silly song. And, as this show takes place during the last few weeks of the year, our playlist is made up entirely of songs we loved from throughout 2012.

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Playlist:

1. Amen (Meek Mill)
2. Till I Die (Chris Brown Ft. Wiz Khalifa & Big Sean)
3. Rip (Childish Gambino Ft. Bun B)
4. Ridin’ (A$AP Rocky Ft. Lana Del Rey)
5. La Bonita (MellowHype)
6. 24K Of Gold (Big Sean Ft. J Cole)
7. No Sleep (Jet Life Ft. Curren$y, Trademark Da Skydiver, & Young Roddy)
8. Option (Hit-Boy)
9. Medicine Man (Fashawn Ft. Wiz Khalifa)
10. Make My (The Roots Ft. Big K.R.I.T. & Dice Raw)